cathartic creativity

have you ever been compelled to do something spontaneously...as if you were encouraged from within to do or say or be something meaningful?

have you ever had something from the past creep up on you in the present? i mean...where, because of a current situation, you feel transported back emotionally to a place that seems so familiar and you have to remind yourself what was in the past and what is right now.

recently i experienced this sort of thing (and although i won't go into detail of the whats and the whys, for that isn't my point here, rather i want to focus on what happened in the midst of it). instead of reacting or responding like i might normally have done, i chose to paint my way through the emotions...a cathartic & therapeutic experience with art.

don't get me wrong...painting has always naturally been a bit therapeutic for me whenever i allow my creativity to flow. and i have on occasion utilized art to help others experience some inner breakthroughs and freedom in their lives. but rarely have i created art for myself to specifically work through a personal issue of my own. i know, i know...it's about time, eh?!

years ago i drew a pencil sketch of how i saw myself at the time based on what i was experiencing emotionally. this week i felt a deep intense desire to search for that sketch amidst my numerous sketch books and bring it to life through paint onto canvas. i never did find the sketch but it has been engraved in my memory for years and i decided to go ahead with it anyways.

as i cranked up the music and began grabbing paint cans and brushes, inspiration washed over me like a giant ocean wave and i was overcome with a new vision for the painting. it became clear to me that i wasn't supposed to just paint the sketch the way i had drawn it all those years ago...but rather, i was to paint the sketch as it would appear today (with where i am at emotionally now). i was to depict the changes in me (i am not the same person i was when i did the original sketch) and therefore beable to tell my story of emotional and spiritual growth.

now i recognize that i'm speaking very vaguely and i apologize (i don't really want to go into details here). but if you can think about what i'm trying to say...almost 20 years ago i did a sketch about myself that depicted my emotional state during some very difficult circumstances in my life. it was a very dark, lonely, selfish sort of sketch expressing deep hurt and pain in response to negative circumstances in my life. the sketch showed destruction and desolation and it was quite depressing. then this week i was compelled to paint that sketch...but instead of painting it like the original, i knew i was to paint the same concept or scene...but representing where i am today emotionally. i was to still express deep pain and hurt-for we will always have sorrow & grief in our lives, but this time showing a huge difference: instead of selfishness and lonliness, there would be hope, freedom, and community through God's love-for it is through great suffering that the most intense joy is experienced. and through painting it that way it was to show the change and growth in my heart.

and I must say...it really was therapeutic! when i was finished i stepped back from the canvas with tears streaming down my cheeks. it's an amazing feeling when you have been able to look into your heart (amidst all the brokenness and woundings) and see God & His Body and experience His love, His acceptance, His grace, His forgiveness. it's liberating!

the above photo is a bit of the painting i created. this is the center of the canvas. i just wanted to show you some of the emotion that is in it. art can be an amazing tool for understanding.